The edited version of this review can be found on gamepeople.co.uk.
Monsters (probably) Stole my Princess
Rewind the gaming clock. Back twenty two years to 1989. It’s 11pm and Tetris won’t let me sleep. Oh, I’m not playing it. I switched the Game Boy off just before tea and it didn’t enter my mind while I was eating my bowl of mashed potato and corned beef (with pickle halves mixed in). Beadles About, post nourishment, also provided enough of a distraction to fend off thoughts of those falling blocks. But now, lying in the half-light of my bedroom, posters of the A Team and Linda Lusardi barely lit by the sodium-orange glow of the streetlamp filtered through Masters of the Universe single lined curtains, I am alone with my thoughts. As I stare at the constellations on my ceiling it starts to happen, just as it does every night; blip blip blip in my head. More threatening than a thousand Space Invaders. Closing my eyes doesn’t help; the obsessive side of my brain clearly has issues with the side of my brain that needs its sleep and it recreates a perfect counterfeit Tetris environment on the back of my eyelids. It’s got me; I’m playing the game again. It’s inside me.
Fast Forward
2011. It’s 3am and The Duke is cackling his cocksure cackle; debasing my ear-drums just as, all those years ago, Tetris stained my eyelids. His over-confident, self-satisfied sniggering infringing on my sanity, guaranteeing another restless night. I fold the pillow around my head but the laughter does not desist or even abate in the slightest. I sit up and look at the wall; seeing through it into my two year old sons bedroom I know the PSP Go is right where I left it. On the table next to the easy chair where I sit while I’m putting my son to bed. I know the charge light is blinking in rhythm to the pulsating organ in my chest. Like Poe’s Telltale Heart, I’m afraid the pounding in my ribcage will give me away as I slide my legs from under the covers and flex my toes on the bedroom carpet. The Dukes laughter is still ringing in my ears as I pad towards the bedroom door in the darkness. He is rejoicing in my failure as a gamer and I must quiet the laughter. I know of only one way to do it. I have to beat my high score.
And, so it is tonight, as it has been on previous nights and as I’m certain it will be over and over again, that I sit next to my sleeping son, PSP Go in hand, having another compulsive turn at toppling my previous total.
That’s where the appeal of this Playstation Mini title lies. The story mode, such as it is, probably the shortest story you will ever hear, was completed by me in, literally 10 minutes flat (I’m certain I can shave another two minutes off, too). I sat back after my first run through and felt incredibly disappointed that this nifty little game, that had been so well received, would betray my time and my £2.99. So I snapped my PSP closed in something of a huff and forgot all about The Duke and his completed quest to find his missing Princess. Forgotten, that is, for about one hour.
Monsters (Probably) Stole My Princess is an incredibly charming game and it’s protagonist, The Duke (who is economically and effectively controlled with just the d-pad and ‘x’), when he is not invading my sleep time, is an incredibly charismatic, charming and, dare I say, cute lead. Try to imagine a nine year old wearing a vampire costume complete with cape and Bela Lugosi expression, strutting about the house, hands on hips, striking ‘awesome’ poses and generally feeling he is the centre of the universe. THAT’S The Duke, and at the beginning of each of the five levels he will point dramatically at a monster that he is sure is (possibly) up to no good, lightning will flash and the (probably) evil monster will stand accused of stealing The Dukes’ princess. Each level is a vertical chase to the top of an environment (castle, cave, forest etc) as your Duke pursues his quarry, laughing (that laugh!) all the way. The monster always has a head start and climbs the level fairly quickly. You need to be light on your toes to catch up and strike him; 3 strikes and the (more than likely) guilty monster falls to the ground, defeated. With the princess nowhere to be seen, the next level is reached, and a new monster accused. Each platform The Duke makes contact with on his ascent makes him faster and more powerful and should your platform combo be sufficiently high, a strike to the monsters head triggers a special move that I won’t ruin for you. The more of the floating platforms The Duke hits on his way to delivering (perhaps) deserved justice, the louder the laughter gets, the more dramatic the gothic pipe organ soundtrack becomes and, most importantly, the more your score rockets.
Then the game has you. How many platforms can you hit before the monster reaches the top? How breathtaking will this defeat be? And just how much more ‘awesome’ will you feel when, after two minutes of frantic button bashing, you can sit back and know that that score cannot possibly be bettered… can it?
It’s 3am and the Duke is laughing at me. I know just how to shut him up.
well done mate... jealous much.
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